This morning I watched a YouTube video where a group of young guys were talking about the number of women they had slept with. They called it ‘the body count‘. At least it’s gender neutral, but the term seemed primarily to refer to women. I’m no angel but their apparent lack of respect at any level for the person they’ve had sex with shocked me. A ‘body‘ doesn’t have emotions, feelings, or a personality. This term utterly detaches sex from any kind of friendship, relationship, or long-term commitment and makes it solely transactional. Language and the way we refer to important concepts is important; this term makes me uncomfortable at every level.
Interestingly, despite the language used all the men appeared envious of the bloke with a steady girlfriend (though they did tease him about being a bit fat!).
It started me thinking about pack-based behaviour especially in groups of men, however female groups can be similar. In a group with it’s own cultural norms, different traits and activities are rated based on frequency, desirability, and trendiness. However, when these values are examined the conversation rarely reflects what the group members actually believe. It’s just the popular view anchored in the social norm around that topic, and is often where individual’s are afraid to deny the expected response rather than actually agreeing with the view being expressed.
It’s a bit like the meeting where the boss puts forward a really ill-conceived plan, and nobody tells the truth of their opinion for fear of losing face or worse their job. Subsequently if the plan is disastrous enough, the outcome is that the company goes bust and everyone loses their jobs anyway. If only someone had had the guts to speak out…
I speak out. It may be my age, experience, and general directness. It may be my pragmatism and analytical ability, but it’s also my lack of fear at being unpopular. I’ve found speaking out may prove unpopular initially, but mid to long-term usually prevents something worse. Every group needs a whistle blower who sees the con, or the flaw, or the majorityy’s unwillingness to comment on a really stupid idea and prevent a really stupid decision. For a company, perhaps this whistle blower will ensure its survival.
Within a group of friends egging each other on to maximise their ‘body count‘, perhaps they’ll ensure their mates avoid an STD, prevent an unwanted pregnancy, or create happy rather than a lonely life. I’m not judging their wanting to have sex, sex is nice. I just know some sex is a reflection of a happy relationship and creates more happiness, whereas the more casual version creates a temporary sense of euphoria but rarely results in happiness for either party. My worry with the way these guys were talking was that sex for it’s own sake is highly valued (apparently) and relationships not so much. There wasn’t even a hint in the conversation that any of them wanted a girlfriend, or even associated that possibility with the sex that they had.
I also worry that sex has reverted to being a transaction and there was no mention of the girl getting any pleasure from the sexual encounter either… I wonder if any did! Porn often illustrates sex as being a male act to ‘perform‘, while the woman is simply a passive accessory. There’s no illustration of affection, conversation or laughter, and it’s definitely seen that your sexual partner is effectively a ‘single-use plastic’.
Perhaps love is out of fashion these days. I hope it makes a comeback. What’s nicer than meeting the love of your life and having a successful relationship with them? Something to consider boys and girls, whatever flavour of sexual encounter is your preference 😉.
Doesn’t everyone want to grow old with someone they love?
Love Ruth x
Header photo by gaspar zaldo on Unsplash
Well Thought Through 