My seventeen year old daughter and I have recently got into watching debates on YouTube between Feminisits and Non-Feminists, mostly by Americans of multiple gender and race. The core question once the disucssion on screen gets underway seems to revolve around the so-called sexual revolution of the sixties and seventies and whether this benefitted women today or not.
Fundamental to the claim that it did not benefit the female gender appears to be the belief that a return to traditional one marriage one sexual partner should be the preferred norm as it makes women (and apparently men) happier. According to one dominant theory of social contentment the men can have multiple sexual partners before marriage whereas as women somehow devalue their worth by playing the field. What’s also interesting is that to ahieve this nirvana women should be discouraged from higher education, encouraged to seek a partner as soon as possible rather than have any kind of career, and once married should defer to the husband’s views and stay firmly at home.
I’m not married and while I’m a stay at home mother now, I worked full-time until my daughter was twelve years old when I became mentally ill. I can confirm single parenthood for a full-time employee is tough, However, single parenthood and being on a very low income is also tough. As a result the ideal of being provided for while raising my daughter by the man in my life has been aspirational, I just never reached that aspiration in time to benefit from it while my daughter is still at home. I have though relished my time with her while not employed despite my restricted income and the difficulty in funding our life, including having to sell my house to fund the last two years of her schooling.
This lack of income resulted somewhat from the coronavirus lockdown, then became necessary as I aimed to switch career and volunteered to try and start down a new career path. I learnt to cook curry, bread, cake, pizza, and pasta from scratch. I learnt where to buy to get the most economical deal in the supermarkets and researched the bargain brands with this in moind. My car was often travelling on fumes as I kept my fingers crossed hoping I had enough petrol to take my daughter where she needed to go and asked the school for second hand uniform as things wore out. A husband and provider would have enabled a nicer and more comfortable life. Without one much of the problems are financial but you do have complete control of your own life decisions and that is liberating!
Here’s the strange thing about the sexual revolution, it’s not about sex.
Of course the invention of the pill gave women the sexual freedom to have sex and not get pregnant. The decriminalisation of abortion also helped free women from having to bring an unwanted child into the world, and made it safe to have a termination. Previously if we women ‘slipped up’ morally or within marriage in error, we just had to get on with it or risk being butchered by an illegal abortionist. I do not think any woman wants an abortion, but if get pregnant by mistake and their circumstances are not right to bring a child into the world, they should have the choice.
The sexual revolution in relation to feminism is ultimately about choice. The choice to work, to vote, to be in charge of our own bodies and the decisions related to them. Men should have the same rights. Equality means equal rights, equality means having your own power to decide on your lifestyle, equality means we are equal even when we make what are perceived as bad decisions.
If women were truly equal, I believe we would focus not just on individual success but the success of the group. Women tend to consider everyone involved and will often speak for the vulnerable. Men tend to focus on personal success and are less likely to see and address issues with anyone harmed by that success. In our global civilisation today, we need to focus on group success . This is looking at success not just as the financial value or power of an individual but on their impact beyond their own lives.
To solve our environmental crisis, we need to act collectively adjusting our aggregate behaviour to look after the whole supply chain. It’s not about sex, it’s about equality and listening to all voices even the quiet ones… it’s often the pensive one in the corner who has the missing piece of the puzzle when solving a problem. These quiet ones are often female and may feel lesser than their male counterparts.
The sexual revolution as a reason for women’s happiness or unhappiness is simply the only cause observed on the tip of the iceberg. The rest of the iceberg is where the real issues lie. Delve down and we find discrimination, simple tiredness especially in those women who feel perfection is the only way to compete, and I don’t think sex relates to women still being responsible for most of the parenting and domestic chores.
The path to happiness for both sexes lies in acknowledging there are many unspoken and therefore unseen inequities. The bath to balance between the sexes lies in addressing these and coming up with new expectations and conventions. Every partnership and family is different, so the solutions will be different There’s not one size fits all so fundamentally it starts with discussion, honesty, and planning. The same for any workplace, the same for any social group.
Let’s stop focusing on just the sex and start focusing on overall lifestyle . Sounds easy, probably isn’t!
All the best, Ruth xxx
Well Thought Through 