Gender equality has become less and less spoken of, but not because it’s in place. It’s not. Clearly its not.
Women’s bodies are different to men’s. We have periods, we get pregnant, we have breasts. This means our issues and experience with our own bodies is inherently different to a man. Why are women discouraged from highlighting our physical differences, and indeed discouraged from being female… We frequently have a different way of thinking, often a different style of leadership, and usually have different priorities to men in the way we live our lives. Women are generally more social, listen and talk about all issues, worry about the way we’re perceived, and think about the way we look much more than men. Even as an autistic woman, there are differences I have in common with neurotypical women primarily the tendency to talk alot 🤣. We are also usually more willing to visit a doctor for ailments than men, we endure highly invasive procedures like cervical smear tests, and are often made responsible for contraception rather than our male partners. Women just understand that these medical procedures are simply the reality of being a woman.
Most women now focus on a career before having children and are entirely capable of competing with any male colleague. Most mothers are also entirely capable of competing with male colleagues, but often have childcare and household responsibilities in addition to our work role. Most father’s still shoulder less of those childcare and household responsibilities than the women despite years of feminism and discussion about gender equality; so why is this disparity often still the case? Weirdly most generations younger than me (under 40s) do seem to share household chores prior to having children, but this attitude invisibly shifts on becoming parents. The cahnge in emphasis is often without discussion, when traditional gender roles emerge invisibly and are rarely explicitly discussed between the couple.
From when my daughter was 18 months, I chose as a single parent to work full-time. Just the nursery fees alone made this choice necessary, plus I’d heard part-time working mum’s simply do the work of a full-time worker in less hours for less pay. After being sectioned in 2019, I decided not to continue working at such a pace and chose not to earn so much but to have more time. It has been hard financially, but we eat better as I make alot from scratch and have time to plan my home life properly. You don’t know what tired is until working full-time and parenting alone 😴. Many a night I nodded off while reading a bedtime story, leaving the house in a mess! I had crammed in packing lunch, racing to breakfast club, working all day and appearing professional despite other domestic responsibilities, collecting my daughter from afterschool club at 6pm, cooking dinner for us both, bathing my small child, checking late night emails and attending that evening’s conference call, reading a story, falling asleep, then starting it all again the next day (and marathon runners think they know what endurance is 😂!).
It worries me that the WOKE movement attempted to remove the term ‘female‘. It seems despite being allowed to choose your own pronouns, women are no longer allowed to describe their own body parts with clarity. However, apparently men are permitted to retain the term ‘male‘… This in itself undermines gender equality, as women are not even supposed to define themselves as being physically different from men with all that comes with. How does civilisation ensure equal rights for men and women if there’s not a term to describe the opposite gender to male, let alone assess where gender equality is lacking.
To be clear, I do support the transgender population and understand where gender dysmorphia and personal preference in identity means that adopting the opposite gender identity is appropriate. I do think we should acknowledge even in this instance that people are born either male or female (hermaphrodites being the exception), and this continues to be true even when the individual chooses to identify with an alternative gender or gender neutral pronouns. Even if said individual chooses to change sex through invasive surgery, those body parts do not (as yet) function as with someone who is born to the opposite gender. The sexual experience of someone after gender reassignment surgery would not be a full one, as no one has invented a genital transplant so far. The individual concerned would therefore no longer ‘orgasm’ in the same way and their sex life would be fundamentally different from someone born to their chosen gender. This area of discussion is a minefield for anyone who is not transgender, so I hope I speak with common sense and understanding. Having listened to the political and social debate and recently having met and sat with a man about to have gender reassignment surgery, I aim to have compassion, tolerance, and to see all sides of the debate. If I have failed and offended anyone reading this, I apologise wholeheartedly. I always try to be balanced and honest in describing my views, I hope to have succeeded here.
Whatever your gender, sexual preference, or lifestyle, I think it’s true to say that the majority would like a life partner that truly loves them, and that they love in return. This does not always happen and the strength of the ‘Me Too‘ movement highlights this admirably. I’m not sure how many women still say ‘obey’ in their wedding vows, but I suspect there’s still a few. I’m not a believer in obeying anyone. It implies compliance. It implies being under the control of another. It implies there is some form of punishment should you not obey. Surrendering your own decision making ability into the hands of someone else feels distinctly uncomfortable, and can ultimately enable the other party to abuse and coerce should they do desire. The majority of abuse still occurs to women (according to Women’s Aid), but I acknowledge men can also be subject to abusive relationships. The lack of gender equality and movements like the ‘Right to Sex‘ is definitely a factor in any abuse that occurs.
So it does worry me that some women, it’s primarily women, only aspire to marriage. Many girls plan their wedding from the age of 12 years old… I never did. I never planned a wedding, I hoped to find someone to fall in love with, it’s not the same as solely desiring a wedding for it’s own sake. I’ve been looking for someone to share my life with for some time. I figured wedding plans only become relevant once you’ve found the person you want to marry 💕. Meanwhile I’ve been making the most of my life without a husband. I’ve travelled, focussed on career, tried to contribute to my community, and had a child. My life is full. I don’t know when my love life will materialise, and at the moment am enjoying my time supporting a potential MP to run for Parliament. I think it’s a worthy pursuit to support better political advocacy and government.
Talking of running for election, I’ve just read Sylvia Pankhurst’s biography ‘Natural Born Rebel’ by Rachel Holmes. The suffragettes were unbelievably courageous and determined to seek equality. They did succeed after much sacrifice and I hope we will now achieve gender diverse representation in government. There are a couple of reasons why I think this is not yet the case, which boil down to practical life considerations and work/life balance. One quote from Sylvia’s biography is below:
“Why are women so patient? Why don’t you force us to give you the vote?… Why don’t you scratch our eyes out?” Dr Richard Pankhurst, father of Sylvia Pankhurst whose sister was beaten up by her husband.
Forcing the hand of those who may want to resist gender equality, is unlikely to be the approach of most women. We are perceived as aggressive if we insist on inclusion. We are sometimes ignored when asking for consideration of our family commitments. I have been fortunate to have bosses, male and female, who were very flexible as long as the work got done. I have also had bosses that did not consider my family commitments and needs as central to my success in the job. These bosses and jobs I generally left if it was at all possible.
Equality goes far beyond equal pay for equal work, though equal pay is a great place to start… I read that women are paid less as we often take the first salary offer whereas men generally ask for a higher salary before appointment. As a result, a woman may well be paid less than a man in the same job and this may well explain childless women earning less. I don’t think it fully explains the challenge of mothering and working. I do think there’s still a difference between fathers and mothers, the work they obtain, and the opportunity for obtaining senior roles, and in some cases surrendering the opportunity for promotion to attain a suitable work/home balance. Honestly, I want to work flexibly and use my brain to it’s full potential; not many companies or bosses manage this combination. Often job descriptions and hierarchical structures constrain higher levels of contribution from more junior staff. I get it, but with less ego many companies could benefit from a more open structure in terms of seniority.
As a society, we need to reflect more on what’s right for our children, what’s right for our parents, what would maximise the effectiveness of businesses, and what’s right for other aspects of our communities. Our government has some diversity, but overall does not reflect our society at large. I heard Boris Johnson commented that the presence of women in the Cabinet significantly affected the decisions taken in the Coronavirus lockdown to support parents and their home-schooling efforts. Let’s have more of that! If I’d had the choice I would have selected being a stay-at-home mother. I was constantly exhausted. There’s a reason for the traditional roles though clearly this could be switched if the father chose staying at home while their partner works. There’s a gay couple in my village with two young children, and I’d be interested how traditional gender roles play out in their family. I hope they’ve attained the work/life balance that seems off kilter in many conventional families…
As my daughter reaches her GCSEs, I’m proud of myself for raising a well-balanced, kind, and conscientious kid. I look forward to seeing what she chooses to do next and supporting her in whatever that is. Life is good and I did alright, however I felt about my parenting while working so hard. All the best to any other parents touring the colleges and sixth forms. Fingers crossed our children make the right choice for them and ignore gender expectations. I want my daughter to do whatever she wants to do, not what society wants her to do…
Love Ruth xxx
Well Thought Through 